I might even be around for Christmas!

That's me, folks, not my dad, who, hopefully, will be around for a good long time.

My parents are still deciding on what they want to do next, but it's definitely going to be chemo then radiation. It's new exciting chemo now, though, which is brand new chemicals, that are only available in the States, apparently, so anywhere they go, they will have to take the drugs with them. Fun! It's either two courses of chemo (one month) or four (two months) and then off to radation, which has to happen in Houston, over 5 weeks, approx.

I don't know what this means for me yet, as I was all set to stay here (London) until the radiaion therapy starts, but then I spoke to my mum. Apparently, the reason that my dad has been reacting so well to the chemo so far is because he has been getting "chemo lite" (the Diet Coke of chemo - not chemo enough!). This round is the real deal, including hair loss.

I was shocked by how upset I was with the idea of my father losing his hair. I mean, we talked about it before and, as far as we knew, his treatment did not involve any hair loss. I can't quite figure out why this is affecting me, even though suggestions might be that this is a physical sign of his illness, or, alternatively, that he has a lot of hair, unlike other men who, at his age may be balding, so he has a lot to lose. If I had to guess, I would simply say that it's making it real to me that something is hurting my father, be it chemo or the cancer, and I really don't like it. It's not fair and there is nothing I can do, but something very basic inside me is rebelling against the notion that anyone or anything would want to hurt my father, or, for that matter, could. Assholes.

So maybe I will go back out there, depending on where "there" is. Or maybe I will wait until radiation starts, which will be in January, at the earliest.

Christ. This never gets any easier, does it? I'm not trying to have a "woe is me" moment, or make out as if I am pitiable, but answers and some kind of stability would be nice. If anyone is listening, I would like that for Hannukah. I will forgo 8 presents for just two. Ta.