Sunday, 4 October 2009

Staying on my father's side of the fence

A Dream: I am wandering the halls at MD Anderson, waiting for a very important appointment with a doctor. Only problem is that I am late and I don't have any of the paperwork, so I don't even know his name. All I know is that it's in zone F and that it's at 11:14am. So I'm trying to find it and people keep sending me to the wrong places. Eventually, I look at the map and see it on the other side of the hospital. So I make my way down there where an extremely bored receptionist tells me to take a seat. And, as far as I know, I'm still sitting there.

I woke up in London, which feels very strange because nothing is feeling like home at the moment, and I don't know why. I'm not sleep deprived (I don't think) and the view out of the window has been familiar to me for the past 5 months. Strange. Too many airports, that's what I am going to put it down to.

My father had his first chemo appointment yesterday and was feeling fine in the afternoon. The doctors say that he will only feel crappy after about a day. They will arrive in Israel at the end of next week, which, once again, leaves me with the eternal question: When do I go to be with them? There are many things that I want to do while I'm here (not least of which is getting a smear test, which I have been putting off), so maybe rushing off is not a good plan. Then again, we are time dependent, all of us, and the clock is ticking very loudly inside me at the moment.

I notice that the last post I wrote seemed rather self-obsessed and a bit too focused on my largely insignificant problems. These things may or may not come to pass, and, as much as I worry about them, they are not my focus right now. So I ask you to forgive me. My mood varies from minute to minute, and, when I wrote that, I was feeling cynical but quite mischievous. Today seems more and less real in different ways and I am hoping to do something concrete to pass the time.

To close that chapter, for the time being, we are waiting again, for the genetic test to come back from my father. He took it on Thursday, so we won't know anything until the 15th. So I am going to calm the fuck down and focus on him.

Nothing else to be done.

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