"and if I'm not dying?"

Sorry that I have been a bit remiss. Lot's of non-cancer related things have been happening.

Catch-up story. My dad was in Chemo on Monday. The treatment was supposed to start at around 9am. Anyone remember the first time that he was at this hospital? Right, well, it turns out that one of the drugs he was supposed to be on has only just becomed FDA apporved in the states and is DEFINITELY not approved for treatement in Israel. So the hospital would not give it to him. He had brought it himself, you understand, but they could not hold themselves responsible if anything went wrong with it. An insurance thing. So my mother and the Head Nurse went on a hunting mission to get written consent for this drug from about 3 different hospital adiminstrators. And at 2:30pm , the treatment finally started. Home by 6. Nice.

My parents are so annoyed that they are leaving here ASAP for Houston, even if they need to do the last round of chemo there. I don't know yet whether I will be joining them at any point. Currently, the set date is Saturday the 16th.

Right, now is where I vent my spleen a bit over things that I can't specify, because they partially relate to something else. But here it is. I am angry and sad and disappointed by the notion that my father may only be doing things because he thinks that he is dying and, if he finds out he is not, will revert straight back to the objectionable opinions that he once held. I was hoping that he would be having personal epiphanies about the important things in life, but it seems that the epiphanies are quickly and easily forgotten as the threat of mortality fades or just becomes a part of life. After all, he may believe that he is going to die, but that belief cannot be at the forefront of his thoughts all the time; it would drive him mad.

So the transformation into "sainthood" that I thought was happening is not. All that's happened is that he has discovered that people treat him like a saint who can do no wrong, people are afraid of upsetting him and people will do whatever he wants. I hate feeling this bitter! And this cynical and thinking such terrible thoughts about my parent. But if a man is acting under duress of having the fear of God put into him, how can he be trusted to follow through once that threat has been removed.

I hope to god that this particular thing that I am going through will not last long because loving someone and hating them all at once is hard and hasn't happened to me for a few years. Right now it needs to be simple. Man could be dying: do what you can to help. End of Story. Stop muddying it with motive. Even if that motive makes you want to break things.

Arse.