Many of my posts have been tagged with "waiting". Well, the wait is over. My father died at 6 o'clock this evening. We were all with him and, despite some tricky moments, it was mostly peaceful. It's 1am as I am writing this and I do actually have plenty of time because my brother and I are taking shifts looking in on my mum every hour.
This last week saw a swift decline in my father's condition. He didn't get out of bed for most of it and, for the last three days or so, he was mostly unable to communicate. I started with quiet yeses and nos, then went down to nods, and eventually we were trying to guess whether a small movement in his eyes was assent. However, the brain fog completely lifted and we believe that he was aware until the end.
I won't go into the details of everything that happened tonight. I was sent to a nearby hospital to pick up morphine to help my father's pain. I was just about to raise holy hell because they wouldn't give it to me when my mother called and said to come home right now because we had run out of time. I got back about 30 minutes before he died and despite the fact that I saw things that I really wish I could unsee, it was worth it. We didn't need the morphine, in any case.
There are so many thoughts, so many worries, so much misery, that I don't really know how to arrange it all in a coherent form. This will not be my last post. In Jewish tradition we sit for seven days now, as a family, and are visited by people wanting to be with us. Obviously, this is after the funeral, which is tomorrow. Trying to get the undertakers to do their jobs was bloody difficult, as they close up shop at 4pm and don't reopen until 9 the next morning. But apparently, if you grease enough palms, you can get things to happen outside of those "work" hours.
Basically, what I was trying to say, before I got sidetracked, was that I have seven days in which to try to work out what I am thinking and feeling. My overwhelming thought for most of today was that people tell you that certain things in life are hard. Final exams, planning a wedding, loving your neighbour, that kind of thing. Many of those things I have hunkered down on and come out thinking "ok, that wasn't so bad". This is absolutely as hard and bad as they say. I can't overstate how difficult the last few days have been, and I don't mean sad or worrying, I mean difficult. There have been things I desperately did not want to do, such as say goodbye to my father, watch how the ambulance took him away or calling people to tell them the news that nevertheless had to be done. And so I did, and we did. I have been far from perfect in behaviour, but I need to allow myself that. To be fair, no one in this house has been exemplary this week. We all wanted to punch someone at some point.
I will start with one story from tonight. Only one and then I will try to rest a bit. After my father died, we sat in his room, all together. At some point the blanket was pulled over his face, a big duvet that kept him warm for a week. I simply couldn't bear the idea that he had his face covered, for the illogical, insane reason that I was worried that he couldn't see us and would be scared. Or that he wouldn't be able to breathe. Or something.
I won't tell you about what my family are doing, because it is not for me to make their business public. I will stick to myself, but only tell you that everyone is hurting and everyone is exhausted. A light has gone out of our lives. And I can literally feel the hole that he has left in my heart.
Showing posts with label breaking news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breaking news. Show all posts
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Friday, 28 October 2011
There is a reason I shouldn't make plans
I broke my own rule and now I am paying for it. Actually, lets start from the top, seeing as I failed to post anything when stuff happened.
First, my grandfather died, as we knew he would. I was in Eastbourne at the time, doing some work experience, but had tickets booked for Israel anyway, so off I went, about 3 days into the Shiva. I knew when I left Israel that it would be the last time I saw him, and I still don't have any regrets about that. Who knows, though, they might catch up with me. My biggest problems continues to be that I keep worrying that I am not taking advantage of the opportunities when they arise. However, I am learning that sometimes opportunities are there to be missed.
The short version of the story is that my father had another infection when they arrived in Houston. His haemoglobin is very low and his ammonia is very high. The doctors reckon that he his leaking blood from somewhere, because it doesn't seem to matter how much protein he eats or how much blood he receives, the haemoglobin doesn't rise. The oncologist described it as "like having a wheel on a car with a very tiny puncture that the mechanic can't find". The mechanic is him and his colleagues and at this point, their best advice is "just keep pumping up the air" i.e. the blood.
The problem is that he hasn't had any treatment for the cancer for weeks. And every time he has not been in treatment in the past, he has gotten stronger and sorted out his other health problems in preparation for another round of chemo/radiation/whatever. This time that hasn't happened. He has not gotten stronger, he has not bounced back and the doctors are not willing to treat his tumour when his body is so weak. And they are not seeing it improving.
So, in short, they are foreseeing treating his secondary symptoms but being unable to do anything about the tumour/s (there are many in his lungs that are becoming an increasing concern) for the foreseeable future. Now, I don't believe in miracles, and we all have to look at this realistically, so that our lives don't fall apart. Without treatment, the tumour will run rampant and we know what happens then. Obviously.
My brother reckons we shouldn't make any plans for Christmas (actually, he thinks we shouldn't make any plans for Thanksgiving, but I didn't have any anyway, so let's move on). My mum thinks that if anyone got pregnant at this point, my father would still not live to see a grandchild, but no one can say for certain, obviously. So I have a Devil's Timescale here, which makes it difficult to do anything.
So, things I didn't do in these last couple of months:
1. Be there when my grandfather died (horribly, I might add. From what I understand, it was quite hideous and he only stopped being in intense pain when they moved him to a hospice, less than 24 hours before he died. He didn't like the hospice either, but at least they could control his pain a bit).
2. See my parents for between the beginning of September and the end of October.
3. Get a job
4. Make any commitments that "my father is dying" wouldn't get me out of.
Things I did do:
1. Started a law GDL. Good for me and all that. It's hard work and I am getting seriously invested in it personally. Which isn't to say I can't easily drop out, but I would be miffed.
2. Got accepted onto a pro bono clinic. We have clients, who are real people, who really need our help. Not turning up would be frowned upon in more than one way.
3. Signed up to volunteer with an organisation. I can still back out at this point, but I have been waiting a year for the training.
4. Signed up for Mooting. Right now, that, again, is not a big deal, but it will be if I register properly.
As you can see, the Devil's Timescale makes it difficult to know what to do with all these things. If we are talking about 3 weeks, I should drop everything now. I will get my money back for part of the course (I think) and upset the pro-bono people, and I will have to start again next year, but that's the way it goes.
If it's 9 months then I will have finished the course but be doing summer work experience or something. Less of a concern.
If it's anything between now and six months from now and I don't know where, I will have to pray that they don't chuck me off the course and anything else I am doing.
So here is where I broke my rule. The rule is: DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS THAT MIGHT INVOLVE LETTING SOMEONE DOWN. I successfully did that for over a year and then I broke it big time by trying to grab the opportunities that came out of my course. Idiot. I should have let them pass me by. It hurts on a professional level, but personally it makes things easier.
But wow, look at me. I managed to whine about my commitments for a whole post and didn't stop to consider the important questions for a moment.
Should I drop everything (again) and spend all the time with my parents, bearing in mind I did that last year?
If not right now, when is the right time to call it? I don't have a holiday from my course now for another 6 weeks.
Should I quit my course now, before I get too invested, on the assumption that I will fail it on attendance anyway at some point, and at least now I will get my money back?
Are there any people whose needs are more important than mine right now? What is best for my parents/partner/grandmother/brothers?
I told some huge lies of omission to my grandmother last night. She had been ringing since mid-afternoon and my mother had been ignoring her and it was obvious that she wasn't going to go to bed before talking to one of us. So I was tasked. Side note: I should really have word with my mother about making me do her dirty work. It's not fair to sour my relationships with people because she doesn't have the energy to do it herself. If she calls someone with bad news, they understand. If I do it, I'm just cruel. This must stop. OK, back to our programme. I rang my grandmother and told her about my father's trip to the dentist, that he has been eating like a hellhound, and that he was in a fairly good mood. I failed to tell her about the unscheduled meeting with the oncologist and that his markers are at 20000. Luckily, she doesn't know how to get online, so I am safe. But I felt shitty about that. She needs to know eventually, even though she often makes things 1000 times worse than they were before we told her.
So there it is, incoherent, messy and unstructured, much like life. On the other hand, my law notes are beautifully organised. FML.
First, my grandfather died, as we knew he would. I was in Eastbourne at the time, doing some work experience, but had tickets booked for Israel anyway, so off I went, about 3 days into the Shiva. I knew when I left Israel that it would be the last time I saw him, and I still don't have any regrets about that. Who knows, though, they might catch up with me. My biggest problems continues to be that I keep worrying that I am not taking advantage of the opportunities when they arise. However, I am learning that sometimes opportunities are there to be missed.
The short version of the story is that my father had another infection when they arrived in Houston. His haemoglobin is very low and his ammonia is very high. The doctors reckon that he his leaking blood from somewhere, because it doesn't seem to matter how much protein he eats or how much blood he receives, the haemoglobin doesn't rise. The oncologist described it as "like having a wheel on a car with a very tiny puncture that the mechanic can't find". The mechanic is him and his colleagues and at this point, their best advice is "just keep pumping up the air" i.e. the blood.
The problem is that he hasn't had any treatment for the cancer for weeks. And every time he has not been in treatment in the past, he has gotten stronger and sorted out his other health problems in preparation for another round of chemo/radiation/whatever. This time that hasn't happened. He has not gotten stronger, he has not bounced back and the doctors are not willing to treat his tumour when his body is so weak. And they are not seeing it improving.
So, in short, they are foreseeing treating his secondary symptoms but being unable to do anything about the tumour/s (there are many in his lungs that are becoming an increasing concern) for the foreseeable future. Now, I don't believe in miracles, and we all have to look at this realistically, so that our lives don't fall apart. Without treatment, the tumour will run rampant and we know what happens then. Obviously.
My brother reckons we shouldn't make any plans for Christmas (actually, he thinks we shouldn't make any plans for Thanksgiving, but I didn't have any anyway, so let's move on). My mum thinks that if anyone got pregnant at this point, my father would still not live to see a grandchild, but no one can say for certain, obviously. So I have a Devil's Timescale here, which makes it difficult to do anything.
So, things I didn't do in these last couple of months:
1. Be there when my grandfather died (horribly, I might add. From what I understand, it was quite hideous and he only stopped being in intense pain when they moved him to a hospice, less than 24 hours before he died. He didn't like the hospice either, but at least they could control his pain a bit).
2. See my parents for between the beginning of September and the end of October.
3. Get a job
4. Make any commitments that "my father is dying" wouldn't get me out of.
Things I did do:
1. Started a law GDL. Good for me and all that. It's hard work and I am getting seriously invested in it personally. Which isn't to say I can't easily drop out, but I would be miffed.
2. Got accepted onto a pro bono clinic. We have clients, who are real people, who really need our help. Not turning up would be frowned upon in more than one way.
3. Signed up to volunteer with an organisation. I can still back out at this point, but I have been waiting a year for the training.
4. Signed up for Mooting. Right now, that, again, is not a big deal, but it will be if I register properly.
As you can see, the Devil's Timescale makes it difficult to know what to do with all these things. If we are talking about 3 weeks, I should drop everything now. I will get my money back for part of the course (I think) and upset the pro-bono people, and I will have to start again next year, but that's the way it goes.
If it's 9 months then I will have finished the course but be doing summer work experience or something. Less of a concern.
If it's anything between now and six months from now and I don't know where, I will have to pray that they don't chuck me off the course and anything else I am doing.
So here is where I broke my rule. The rule is: DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS THAT MIGHT INVOLVE LETTING SOMEONE DOWN. I successfully did that for over a year and then I broke it big time by trying to grab the opportunities that came out of my course. Idiot. I should have let them pass me by. It hurts on a professional level, but personally it makes things easier.
But wow, look at me. I managed to whine about my commitments for a whole post and didn't stop to consider the important questions for a moment.
Should I drop everything (again) and spend all the time with my parents, bearing in mind I did that last year?
If not right now, when is the right time to call it? I don't have a holiday from my course now for another 6 weeks.
Should I quit my course now, before I get too invested, on the assumption that I will fail it on attendance anyway at some point, and at least now I will get my money back?
Are there any people whose needs are more important than mine right now? What is best for my parents/partner/grandmother/brothers?
I told some huge lies of omission to my grandmother last night. She had been ringing since mid-afternoon and my mother had been ignoring her and it was obvious that she wasn't going to go to bed before talking to one of us. So I was tasked. Side note: I should really have word with my mother about making me do her dirty work. It's not fair to sour my relationships with people because she doesn't have the energy to do it herself. If she calls someone with bad news, they understand. If I do it, I'm just cruel. This must stop. OK, back to our programme. I rang my grandmother and told her about my father's trip to the dentist, that he has been eating like a hellhound, and that he was in a fairly good mood. I failed to tell her about the unscheduled meeting with the oncologist and that his markers are at 20000. Luckily, she doesn't know how to get online, so I am safe. But I felt shitty about that. She needs to know eventually, even though she often makes things 1000 times worse than they were before we told her.
So there it is, incoherent, messy and unstructured, much like life. On the other hand, my law notes are beautifully organised. FML.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
When it rains it pours
Sorry I have been absent for a bit. Basically here's the update:
We explained to my father very patiently that we were worried about his neurological symptoms. The walking funny, the non-repsonsive limbs, the talking in his sleep (which was making my mother completely crazy) and the lack of mental clarity. Eventually, we managed to convince him to get looked at a by a neuro-psychiatrist and have a couple of tests done. The next morning, as if by magic, his psychological condition massively improved. He was walking straight and confidently, he was talking sense and he was keen to go to work (literally, in the office and everything). He has more or less remained that way through the start of his new Chemo treatment (every two week, 4 courses, can be taken anywhere so long as it's in a hospital). They have also hired a new nurse who will start this week, I think. The only noticeable side effect of the new drug is that he is very tired and sleeps for many hours a day. I will let you know what happens with that.
Everything looked like it was ok, so I went home.
Two days later my mum rang. My grandfather (mum's dad) had rung earlier in the week, while I was still with them, to say that he was feeling very run down and so had gone for tests. What she was ringing to tell me was that his tests had come back showing that his body is utterly riddled with cancer. The irony is that there is a fairly good chance that it started off as pancreatic and then metastisised. One idiot doctor has given him 3 months. Maybe it is.
So I spoke to my grandfather yesterday and he seems very blasé about everything, which either means that he is the most Zen person on earth or he is in deep denial. I couldn't possibly guess. I am not as close to my grandfather as I am to other members of my family, which is probably what causes me to be most worried about my mother in all this. She now has both a father and a husband who are dying of cancer and my father's only comment is: "Well maybe you should start to think about what it is you are being punished for". Nice.
Still getting my head around everything. Will let you know how that works out for me.
We explained to my father very patiently that we were worried about his neurological symptoms. The walking funny, the non-repsonsive limbs, the talking in his sleep (which was making my mother completely crazy) and the lack of mental clarity. Eventually, we managed to convince him to get looked at a by a neuro-psychiatrist and have a couple of tests done. The next morning, as if by magic, his psychological condition massively improved. He was walking straight and confidently, he was talking sense and he was keen to go to work (literally, in the office and everything). He has more or less remained that way through the start of his new Chemo treatment (every two week, 4 courses, can be taken anywhere so long as it's in a hospital). They have also hired a new nurse who will start this week, I think. The only noticeable side effect of the new drug is that he is very tired and sleeps for many hours a day. I will let you know what happens with that.
Everything looked like it was ok, so I went home.
Two days later my mum rang. My grandfather (mum's dad) had rung earlier in the week, while I was still with them, to say that he was feeling very run down and so had gone for tests. What she was ringing to tell me was that his tests had come back showing that his body is utterly riddled with cancer. The irony is that there is a fairly good chance that it started off as pancreatic and then metastisised. One idiot doctor has given him 3 months. Maybe it is.
So I spoke to my grandfather yesterday and he seems very blasé about everything, which either means that he is the most Zen person on earth or he is in deep denial. I couldn't possibly guess. I am not as close to my grandfather as I am to other members of my family, which is probably what causes me to be most worried about my mother in all this. She now has both a father and a husband who are dying of cancer and my father's only comment is: "Well maybe you should start to think about what it is you are being punished for". Nice.
Still getting my head around everything. Will let you know how that works out for me.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
They think it's all over
First blog in a while, but I am sitting at in the hospital while my father has just been taken from surgery to recovery. At 8am this morning he had a Whipple procedure and 40% of his pancreas was removed, along with 30% of his stomach. The surgeons consider the surgery to have been a success and they believe that they have removed the whole tumour. We will have to wait for another week to get the pathology results from the lab, but it is all looking very good and my father is now expected to make a full recovery.
It will take a while for my father to recover (and he's going to be on nil by mouth for up to a week- nice) but it seems that he is out of the woods for the moment. We still need to wait for the pathology report, but there is good reason to be cheerful.
After all that, it seems a bit of a let down, really. I feel that we at least deserve a medal. Instead my father gets to live another day. Just like before the cancer. Of course people got faced with their own mortality and some of us reassessed our lives and life will never be exactly the same. But it feels too much the same for my comfort. Does defeated cancer really leave a lasting impression. Complacency and habit return very quickly.
But don't mind me. Selfish. And tired. Meh.
It will take a while for my father to recover (and he's going to be on nil by mouth for up to a week- nice) but it seems that he is out of the woods for the moment. We still need to wait for the pathology report, but there is good reason to be cheerful.
After all that, it seems a bit of a let down, really. I feel that we at least deserve a medal. Instead my father gets to live another day. Just like before the cancer. Of course people got faced with their own mortality and some of us reassessed our lives and life will never be exactly the same. But it feels too much the same for my comfort. Does defeated cancer really leave a lasting impression. Complacency and habit return very quickly.
But don't mind me. Selfish. And tired. Meh.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
It's hitting the fan right now
Good news is my father is in radiation and its all going well. He is thrilled to be shot of the nasty chemo.
Bad news is I was supposed to go and see them in the states next week and I have currently been uninvited. I can't go into detail here because it's too personal and too painful, but if you really want to know you can find a way to contact me instead.
I am out at sea, then. We have managed to get to a point where it is less painful for my father not to see me at all. The little voice in my head says "what did you do and how could you have been so awful?". My voice replies, "No no. This was not of my doing. Well, it was, but not in an evil way".
Jesus, it's so hard right now to try to convince myself that I am not a bad person. I still have no hard proof either way. But things are changing and I don't know which way the wind is blowing or if I am having any effect on it.
Sorry to be cagey, but this is not a conversation that should be inflicted on the internet.
Bad news is I was supposed to go and see them in the states next week and I have currently been uninvited. I can't go into detail here because it's too personal and too painful, but if you really want to know you can find a way to contact me instead.
I am out at sea, then. We have managed to get to a point where it is less painful for my father not to see me at all. The little voice in my head says "what did you do and how could you have been so awful?". My voice replies, "No no. This was not of my doing. Well, it was, but not in an evil way".
Jesus, it's so hard right now to try to convince myself that I am not a bad person. I still have no hard proof either way. But things are changing and I don't know which way the wind is blowing or if I am having any effect on it.
Sorry to be cagey, but this is not a conversation that should be inflicted on the internet.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
I might even be around for Christmas!
That's me, folks, not my dad, who, hopefully, will be around for a good long time.
My parents are still deciding on what they want to do next, but it's definitely going to be chemo then radiation. It's new exciting chemo now, though, which is brand new chemicals, that are only available in the States, apparently, so anywhere they go, they will have to take the drugs with them. Fun! It's either two courses of chemo (one month) or four (two months) and then off to radation, which has to happen in Houston, over 5 weeks, approx.
I don't know what this means for me yet, as I was all set to stay here (London) until the radiaion therapy starts, but then I spoke to my mum. Apparently, the reason that my dad has been reacting so well to the chemo so far is because he has been getting "chemo lite" (the Diet Coke of chemo - not chemo enough!). This round is the real deal, including hair loss.
I was shocked by how upset I was with the idea of my father losing his hair. I mean, we talked about it before and, as far as we knew, his treatment did not involve any hair loss. I can't quite figure out why this is affecting me, even though suggestions might be that this is a physical sign of his illness, or, alternatively, that he has a lot of hair, unlike other men who, at his age may be balding, so he has a lot to lose. If I had to guess, I would simply say that it's making it real to me that something is hurting my father, be it chemo or the cancer, and I really don't like it. It's not fair and there is nothing I can do, but something very basic inside me is rebelling against the notion that anyone or anything would want to hurt my father, or, for that matter, could. Assholes.
So maybe I will go back out there, depending on where "there" is. Or maybe I will wait until radiation starts, which will be in January, at the earliest.
Christ. This never gets any easier, does it? I'm not trying to have a "woe is me" moment, or make out as if I am pitiable, but answers and some kind of stability would be nice. If anyone is listening, I would like that for Hannukah. I will forgo 8 presents for just two. Ta.
My parents are still deciding on what they want to do next, but it's definitely going to be chemo then radiation. It's new exciting chemo now, though, which is brand new chemicals, that are only available in the States, apparently, so anywhere they go, they will have to take the drugs with them. Fun! It's either two courses of chemo (one month) or four (two months) and then off to radation, which has to happen in Houston, over 5 weeks, approx.
I don't know what this means for me yet, as I was all set to stay here (London) until the radiaion therapy starts, but then I spoke to my mum. Apparently, the reason that my dad has been reacting so well to the chemo so far is because he has been getting "chemo lite" (the Diet Coke of chemo - not chemo enough!). This round is the real deal, including hair loss.
I was shocked by how upset I was with the idea of my father losing his hair. I mean, we talked about it before and, as far as we knew, his treatment did not involve any hair loss. I can't quite figure out why this is affecting me, even though suggestions might be that this is a physical sign of his illness, or, alternatively, that he has a lot of hair, unlike other men who, at his age may be balding, so he has a lot to lose. If I had to guess, I would simply say that it's making it real to me that something is hurting my father, be it chemo or the cancer, and I really don't like it. It's not fair and there is nothing I can do, but something very basic inside me is rebelling against the notion that anyone or anything would want to hurt my father, or, for that matter, could. Assholes.
So maybe I will go back out there, depending on where "there" is. Or maybe I will wait until radiation starts, which will be in January, at the earliest.
Christ. This never gets any easier, does it? I'm not trying to have a "woe is me" moment, or make out as if I am pitiable, but answers and some kind of stability would be nice. If anyone is listening, I would like that for Hannukah. I will forgo 8 presents for just two. Ta.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Decisions, Decisions
So, I fell asleep with the phone on my chest last night, until the call finally came. This will mostly be a medical post, so bear with me.
In short, the spot on my father's liver has not moved. It's a bloody fat deposit, like we claimed all along. Which means that his cancer has always been localised, which is fantasitc news. Also, the tumour is exactly the same size and does not seem to be spreading. Also good.
Now, what MD Anderson would like to do is send him for another round of chemo (with different chemicals - don't ask me why) and then radiation and then, hopefully surgery. We like surgery. Only problem is that my parents have French Surgeon who is willing to operate on it now, more or less. MD Anderson are worried that this could cause the cancer to spread (remember the angry tumour? We don't like him) thus effectively killing him.
The question therefore remains: Do we go the "safe route" and risk the cancer spreading despite the chemo, rendering it inoperable? Or do we operate now and take the risk that it will fail?
My parents are discussing it, along with Family Friend Doctor and many other people. It's the best possible outcome so far, but still leaves my family with some difficult choices.
After my parent's rang, my brother rang, thus waking me up again.
-"Have you heard anything?"
- "Um, yes. They called about 20 minutes ago"
- "BASTARDS!"
- "I think they may have rung me first because they know that I am 6 hours ahead of them and you are not"
- "BASTARDS!"
So, that's the update. Good news all round, but I am waiting to find out what they think further.
For me, this either means that my dad will be back in Israel for more chemo, which I might skip this time around, or he is going for the surgery, which I will definitely be joining them for.
It's a big like a soap opera cliffhanger.
Will she stay or will she go?
In short, the spot on my father's liver has not moved. It's a bloody fat deposit, like we claimed all along. Which means that his cancer has always been localised, which is fantasitc news. Also, the tumour is exactly the same size and does not seem to be spreading. Also good.
Now, what MD Anderson would like to do is send him for another round of chemo (with different chemicals - don't ask me why) and then radiation and then, hopefully surgery. We like surgery. Only problem is that my parents have French Surgeon who is willing to operate on it now, more or less. MD Anderson are worried that this could cause the cancer to spread (remember the angry tumour? We don't like him) thus effectively killing him.
The question therefore remains: Do we go the "safe route" and risk the cancer spreading despite the chemo, rendering it inoperable? Or do we operate now and take the risk that it will fail?
My parents are discussing it, along with Family Friend Doctor and many other people. It's the best possible outcome so far, but still leaves my family with some difficult choices.
After my parent's rang, my brother rang, thus waking me up again.
-"Have you heard anything?"
- "Um, yes. They called about 20 minutes ago"
- "BASTARDS!"
- "I think they may have rung me first because they know that I am 6 hours ahead of them and you are not"
- "BASTARDS!"
So, that's the update. Good news all round, but I am waiting to find out what they think further.
For me, this either means that my dad will be back in Israel for more chemo, which I might skip this time around, or he is going for the surgery, which I will definitely be joining them for.
It's a big like a soap opera cliffhanger.
Will she stay or will she go?
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Today's the Day (apparently)
He's still feeling wonderful. This scares both me and Sensible Brother, who see this as an upset of the statistics. He, quite rightly, points out that, every time my father has seen a doctor, it has been bad news: "Oh, it can't be a tumour... it's a tumour", "There is a 70% chance it's not cancerous... it's cancerous", etc.
He had all the tests yesterday, and I was waiting for a text message to tell me what was going on, which they clearly failed to send. Bollocks. So I have to wait another 6 hours until they wake up, and then I will be told that they still don't know anything, so don't ask. What I do know is that they have a huge conference with the doctors today, so we had better bloody know something at that point.
I do quite fancy Paris at Christmas, though.
He had all the tests yesterday, and I was waiting for a text message to tell me what was going on, which they clearly failed to send. Bollocks. So I have to wait another 6 hours until they wake up, and then I will be told that they still don't know anything, so don't ask. What I do know is that they have a huge conference with the doctors today, so we had better bloody know something at that point.
I do quite fancy Paris at Christmas, though.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
There's a spot
My brother called. I have been waiting up for him. He has been in the meeting with my parents and the oncologist for the last 2 1/2 hours or so. He had to leave early to catch a plane home.
So, it's pretty grim. My father had an MRI yesterday "just to check" that there were no spots on his liver, and they found one. One. Usually there are loads, which makes it officially stage 4, inoperable and we are fucked. With one, they can't tell yet. PET scan tomorrow to confirm, if they even can confirm anything. So it might be Stage 4, or not. And the relevant question is now "It took them this long to figure it out!?"
My brother says that my parents don't believe that the spot is cancerous, even though the doctor says that there is a 90% chance that it is. However, so far, this entire thing has been atypical, and not in a good way. If it's stage 4, they won't operate, because it could "anger" the cancer and make it much more aggresive. Personally, I don't care about making it angry. Frankly, I'm angry.
They will be staying in Houston for the next two weeks, in any case, because they want to start him on chemo early next week. I am wondering what the damn point is, if they don't want to operate on it.
So we may well be flying out of here. At least I will have a better internet connection, as I am poaching internet from the flat 3 floors beneath us at the moment.
Now what? My brother says that they will probably be unwilling to operate for at least 8 months. So, as our doctor friend claims, does that mean that we are supposed to go back to normal, just live our lives? Am I supposed to go back to London, fiddle around in the theatre and hope for the best? Or could I possibly be squandering any time that I have remaining with my father? Is this not the time that people later wish that they had had with their parents? I have many things that are unresolved with my father and frankly, I am not entirely sure that we want to resolve them now. It's too soon. He's supposed to have 10 months to decide whether to come to my wedding, and then several more years to figure out his relationship to any potential children we might have. We have never talked about god, or about the damned money, or about what the fuck I am going to do with my life. And I'm not sure we can do it all now.
So now what? Does everything stop while we hold our breaths and pray in vain? Or do I trust that tomorrow will be another day and pretend that today is normal?
Fuck normal.
So, it's pretty grim. My father had an MRI yesterday "just to check" that there were no spots on his liver, and they found one. One. Usually there are loads, which makes it officially stage 4, inoperable and we are fucked. With one, they can't tell yet. PET scan tomorrow to confirm, if they even can confirm anything. So it might be Stage 4, or not. And the relevant question is now "It took them this long to figure it out!?"
My brother says that my parents don't believe that the spot is cancerous, even though the doctor says that there is a 90% chance that it is. However, so far, this entire thing has been atypical, and not in a good way. If it's stage 4, they won't operate, because it could "anger" the cancer and make it much more aggresive. Personally, I don't care about making it angry. Frankly, I'm angry.
They will be staying in Houston for the next two weeks, in any case, because they want to start him on chemo early next week. I am wondering what the damn point is, if they don't want to operate on it.
So we may well be flying out of here. At least I will have a better internet connection, as I am poaching internet from the flat 3 floors beneath us at the moment.
Now what? My brother says that they will probably be unwilling to operate for at least 8 months. So, as our doctor friend claims, does that mean that we are supposed to go back to normal, just live our lives? Am I supposed to go back to London, fiddle around in the theatre and hope for the best? Or could I possibly be squandering any time that I have remaining with my father? Is this not the time that people later wish that they had had with their parents? I have many things that are unresolved with my father and frankly, I am not entirely sure that we want to resolve them now. It's too soon. He's supposed to have 10 months to decide whether to come to my wedding, and then several more years to figure out his relationship to any potential children we might have. We have never talked about god, or about the damned money, or about what the fuck I am going to do with my life. And I'm not sure we can do it all now.
So now what? Does everything stop while we hold our breaths and pray in vain? Or do I trust that tomorrow will be another day and pretend that today is normal?
Fuck normal.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Off to tell Gran
I am flying out of Houston in a couple of hours to fly to Israel to break the news to my grandmother. I am taking an oncologist with me. Ok, not quite like that, but the way it works is that this guy, a friend of my parents, has been here all along and is now going back to Israel and will come with me to my grandmother. My role, for the next week or so, is to keep her calm and busy until my parents meet with the doctor who will be coordinating my father's treatment. Only then will he decide whether we are coming on a plane to Houston (oh the fun of transatlantic travel) or if they are coming to Israel.
In the meanwhile, my brother has arrived in Houston and the other one will be arriving today. They are not alone, so, as much as it loathes me to leave, my task lies elsewhere.
Luckily, I will not have to do the talking. My job is hand-holding and hugging. And then keeping busy until Wednesday. When I told my grandmother I was coming, she was utterly thrilled, but this will not last long. My job will also be to check that she is physically alright after we tell her. She is 80 years old and healthy, but still, 80 is 80.
I will take her to the theatre, and opera, and restaurant, and I will have to let her buy me clothes, which I despise. But before it sounds like self-pitying martyrdom, I need to point out that I love her very much and this is the next best thing to being with my parents. And, either way, I will be seeing them before the end of next week anyway.
The show opens again this afternoon. I will be on an airplane. C'est la vie.
In the meanwhile, my brother has arrived in Houston and the other one will be arriving today. They are not alone, so, as much as it loathes me to leave, my task lies elsewhere.
Luckily, I will not have to do the talking. My job is hand-holding and hugging. And then keeping busy until Wednesday. When I told my grandmother I was coming, she was utterly thrilled, but this will not last long. My job will also be to check that she is physically alright after we tell her. She is 80 years old and healthy, but still, 80 is 80.
I will take her to the theatre, and opera, and restaurant, and I will have to let her buy me clothes, which I despise. But before it sounds like self-pitying martyrdom, I need to point out that I love her very much and this is the next best thing to being with my parents. And, either way, I will be seeing them before the end of next week anyway.
The show opens again this afternoon. I will be on an airplane. C'est la vie.
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